Understanding things

I believe it is almost time for this blog to come to an end. I believe it has ran it's course. I also know that it's time to start over with a different theme and a different vibe. On Wednesday of this week, April 18th, 2012 at 9:30 am, I will be officially divorced, again. I knew that 2012 was going to be my year, but wasn't expecting any of this, at all. I still have high hopes for 2012. I have come to many a conclusion over the past 2 months and have learned a lot about many a topic. I have also learned to understand you can't control others actions or what they want to do in life. You only have control over you! So, with my heart on my sleeve (and yes that is proportionally correct) I will move on with the plans I feel our maker has in store for me. I'm very sad that things did not work out, but I can't let it paralyze my soul or suck the life out of me. I can't believe how pathetic I was when she first told me it was time for me to go. Love can blind many a man. I came to my senses when I put my glasses on. I could see once again. Rejection is the hardest thing in the world to face. At least it was for me. I now realize a lot of things and am doing ok. May peace be with all of you who have read or still read my words. I may publish my new site and I may not. Thank you.

John

Relations vs. Relationships

          I woke this morning not really wanting to get up, but my daughter had to be somewhere very early. She came in to say goodbye. I was awake, so I got up and threw my camera over my shoulder and walked down to the beach. It had been raining last night and the remnants were still in the air this morning. That is good, it always makes for a good picture. And it did. Like this picture, I too have a lot going on. I have contrasting ideas in my head the same as the clouds in this picture. I also have reflections of my life like this image. I have new ideas constantly washing over my brain constantly just like the waves over the sand. The pier is steady as am I but I have a lot going on around me.
          As I bounced around the Blues Festival this weekend, I had some serious revelations about relationships. I saw it all, the miserable couples, the young, "love is blind" couples, the matured relationships with contentment and a deep love that shows and the "I don't want to be here, but asshole drug me and the kids out" couples. Maybe it is best that I don't ever get back into a relationship. Maybe I need to be friends with everyone and leave it at that. Maybe I'm not capable of sustaining a long lasting relationship. Maybe I just haven't truly found the right person yet. I thought I did a few times, but my view on the topic must be different than the view the universe has on my relationships. For right now, being alone is my choice. It wasn't a few short months ago, but I've learned to embrace it and look at it as a positive thing.
           Some really odd encounters with people tonight. I would like to think that those were some kind of signs. I saw some really good blues bands tonight, with the message being the same. We all have the blues, but it doesn't mean you have to stay blue. Have a great week ahead to all the people who read my blog.

John

Easter 2012 and visions of the future

          5:30 a.m. came really early this morning, but time is relative when it comes to certain things. Sleep, I can do it later. Besides, to be a part of something so big is always an honor. Sunrise Service for Easter. It was just amazing. I saw my old neighbors and some other friends I haven't seen in a while. After that I went to the church across the parking lot for the traditional service. While both messages were about the most important thing, the empty tomb, another more specific message came to light. It was about a search. The women were searching for Jesus and once he came before them, they ran to tell the others the good news. Some people search for other things in life, but never find it. It is right in front of you.      
           What are people in search of? Some are in search of love. Some are in search of a spouse, some were just in a search to find anyone possibly to give them love and then become a spouse. His message was clear and made perfect sense, Find God and you will find all those things. It is so true. My journey is taking me on some really interesting places and I know as long as I have the Holy Spirit in me, I can't go wrong. I find peace in that. I can't believe I drifted away from that in my last relationship. I was lost, but now I am found. I let love blind me and it turned me into someone I wasn't. I still have hope for the future as he knows my heart. I know one thing for sure, my next relationship will be based on faith and spirituality. Without that, you have no relationship. I also have visions of her wearing colorful sun dresses, wanting to be barefoot (like myself) and being happy with herself and with her spiritual journey. :^)
          I'm placing my pre-order now. Hopefully it will ship when the time is right. It may be 1 year, it may be 2, it could be 6. Maybe school needs to take place first, then it is time to start back up the right way. Like I said, time is relative and when he knows it is time, we will be introduced.

My heart is happy, thank you.

Alive and Kicking

It was time that I picked myself up off the floor, dusted myself off and started moving on. It's been kind of nice finding myself again. I don't think I fully did that the last time I was single. Funny how someone can write you off as if you are dead just so they can feel better about the situation. It's easier that way they are thinking. No worries, I am still alive and kicking. I am working on a plan, Gods plan. That's all I got, and I'm glad about that. Peace.

jb

Reason, season or lifetime

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Figure where it fits, appreciate it, and move on.

— Unknown
A repost from a friend of a friend on FB. It makes such good sense after I read it.

Shed some light

Spoke with my Therapist today and she shed some light on what I am going through. I feel a lot better knowing what I know now. My roller coaster is normal, I'm not going nuts, crazy or anything in between.  She also said it's good to talk about things with those you can trust. If not your body will take the brunt of it all. She also said that writing, art and music and the gym are all outlets to let your stressors escape. The beach is very therapeutic as well. The "time will heal thing" she mentioned was debunked as time is relative. We all have things we need to go through, some get through it quickly, some things can last a lifetime and never go away. It's up to the individual to either let go of it or deal with the repercussions. I chose to move on and take a slightly different path. Out there are people who will love me for who I am, not who they want me to be. We all have our share of problems, it's what you end up doing about it that really counts. The light was turned on today, not shut off like it was when I was told it was over.

The silence is so loud I can hardly think sometimes

I believe that one of the cruelest things you can do in life is shut someone out completely. Silence can be so deadly and at times silence can be so loud I can hardly think. Stay Human people. Even if you have problems with others, learn to forgive, forget and move on. The only thing that silence does is hurt. It is time to move on. It may even be time to move. That will be determined by the will of our Lord. Maybe a week in California or the mountains in Tennessee will take my mind off of things. Take pleasure in knowing that our times on this earth are coming to an end at some point. How did you treat other people will be a topic of discussion on your judgement day. What will you have to say about that? Peace.

Post Birthday thoughts

         
          I had a really nice Birthday this year. I can't say that I've actually had one in a long time. Not sure why. But all I know is that is was different and nice. I am learning to figure out that happiness comes from within. Once you are happy, you share that message with other people and they in turn figure it out as well and pay it forward. It is a good feeling to finally realize that you aren't a piece of shit and that we all stumble in our lives and only want someone to love and for them to love you back. I mean really people, what else is there about life that needs to be said? Everyday that goes by not being happy is like a life sentence in prison with no chance for parol.
            I also am finding out that one should not be alone. You need people around to interact and to discuss life with. Surround yourself with positive people and help the negative ones out the best you can without getting caught up in the dark cloud. Sometimes you have to alienate yourself from those type of people. It only brings you down. I am a person who likes to help others but sometimes there is no helping the people who don't want help. For what it's worth in the love life dept., try to be understanding of your partner and just be yourself. Don't be someone they want you to be or hoped you would be. Yes, we should all try to be the best we can, but don't be a fake and don't compromise who you are. I may not be a college educated individual but I can promise you I have more education and life lesson experience than most. I am going back to school though. For me, not someone else.
          It was my birthday wish to still be in the same positive frame of mind as I am now, enjoying experiences with my children and friends. Who knows, maybe a special friend by then. I'm not planning anything, I am playing it by ear. Kind of surprised by some of my Birthday wishes this year as much as I surprised I didn't hear from certain individuals I thought that I would. It's ok, time to move forward. I know one thing, St. Augustine is not as much fun without a partner.

Pre Birthday thoughts

As I embark on the eve of my 48th year of being on this earth, I have come to the conclusion that I am happy to be doing what I am doing in my life and will one day find another that has the same mindful insight as I. As for now, it is time to be even more mindful of the fact that one cannot make another person truly happy and fulfilled until they themselves are happy and fulfilled. I am thankful for my mother who gave birth to me, not knowing what I would grow up to be or how I would talk, act or be. She took a chance in life. It pains me she is no longer on this earth to be with me, to talk with me or to give me advice. What I am happy about is the fact that she is someplace much better than this earth with her loved ones that have passed before her.
         I had a very interesting conversation with my 83 year old landlord today and one of the things we discussed was beliefs or non beliefs in the Lord. He said it is better to have lived knowing God is in your life and find out later there isn't a God than to have lived life not believing in the Lord and then finding out there is one. That really made me think about all the lost souls who don't believe or don't want to believe. So sad actually.
         I also had some really eye opening revelations about my last relationship. Sometimes you can't make that other person happy, no matter what. Especially when they themselves are not happy. Some people are very opinionated and only care to see what they want to see. My heart is an open book and I can honestly say my love is a deep love and to whom it will be shared with next, God only knows. I don't take that lightly. I'm in it all the way. To be totally cut off is like another person passing away. To her, I don't exist, I died. To me, I am just starting to live. I don't care about money, materialism, consumerism or any of that crap. I care about being loved and sharing my love with others. An understood love, one that grows, but only when the time is right. I am taking care of myself and my children and I know someday I will learn to love again. But I guess a year and a half gap wasn't quite long enough.
        In a little while I will have a houseful of guests and am very happy about that. Life is about sharing, about giving, about giving back. Some people couldn't be here because they are in Hawaii or traveling elsewhere, but in my mind and heart they are here. Some people that you cross paths with in life are once in a lifetime encounters. I'm better off for it and am thankful for the opportunity to have shared my life with others and visa-versa. Let the party begin! There is an old saying that goes like this. "there is no fool like an April Fool", I'm here to tell you, that is so true. You won't find another person like me ever again.

Man in black

                                                        A simple man, that is all I am.

As my mind lay in the pastures with rolling green hills, reminders of what once was sends a brief chill.
Not to trouble my hurtful soul, but to fill me up, no amount too high we all pay the toll.
As the spring time of my life is soon to be here, keep an eye on those who want to be instill fear.
They will attack your mind and keep you down, all the while they act the clown.
You are a fool this much is true, being born on the first of April wasn't always that cool.
When you are lost and cannot be found, Look up and smile, we are all just humans living on a rock that is round.

We are born, we grow, we love, we create new birth, we are born again, they grow, we teach, we learn, we live, we love, we die. We live again, we love. We learn, we share, we help. Be sure to help someone this week. Maybe you, yourself need the help. Lord knows I have been receiving love from my friends in my time of need. The Lord will provide as well. As I am very thankful for everything. Patience is a virtue. Be mindful this week to other's needs and listen to what they have to say.

Effects of the moon.

Tide comes in, tide goes out. Life gets good, then it gets crazy, then life goes on. I base a lot of my time on the beach based on tides. If it's low tide I can ride my bike on the beach. If it's high tide I can walk on the beach. There are many cycles that we go through as humans. Just like the moon affects the tides, other people in our lives affect our cycles as well. Throughout my life I have noted the affect people have had on my life. Through the good times with good friends, girlfriends and family, to the break ups and deaths and divorce. It is all part of the recipe of life. I like mine with a little spice, a dash of salt and some fresh pepper.
We compare things in life to other things in life because at times there are similarities. Moon phases, people phases, no chocolate phases. Speaking of which, I am friggin about to die if I don't get some chocolate soon. It's all in my head, but I believe it does calm me down. I wonder sometimes what life would be like if I had only done a few simple things differently. I tried to be myself, and that is what it is. Taking time for myself right now is the right pill for me. Living as if she is gone forever is the only way to cope for now.
One day when I get back into my high tide phase I will look back at the low tide period and smile for experiencing it, but remember that it took time to pass. It is then I will look back and remember to keep the course, thanking the moon for allowing me to be a part of the journey.

The Best of Times, the Worst of Times

May 15th 2010                                                                                 Photo Credit: Matt Winghart

I'm not going to cry about the love lost. I'm not going to sing a song of sadness. I have my memories with a very special woman that meant the world to me. We all have reasons for doing what we do. Some of us have to talk about it to try and make sense of it. Others shut it out and hope it goes away. I have said it a million times if I've said it 10, our books are written. Our earthly plans have been carefully orchestrated. Sometimes we don't understand where it all went wrong or when it started going right. No pity parties, no feeling sorry for me. It is tough to lose your sister and mom to an illnesses and your wife in a divorce all in one year. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. It's time for a hard self evaluation of what I'm doing and where I'm heading.
Thanks to all my friends for the support and encouragement to keep my head up and keep moving forward. I have my roller coaster days, but time will be key in this season of my life. If I choose to ignore it, it will consume me. If I grasp the gravity of the situation and understand that this sometimes happens to people, maybe one day I will love again. I believe it is time for me to get back on track. Thank you Hava for the wonderful memories and for being there for me when I needed you the most. I will never forget that.

Plot your own course or believe in destiny?

As I took this image this morning I saw myself at the helm, steering my own ship. I didn't have a course set, but I knew I the general direction in which I was heading. Many times I've plotted my own course in life finding some treasure on an island and some empty chests in some undesirable deserted islands. I believe it is time to listen to where he wants me to go. To give it all to him and have faith in the fact that even though I may have to pass through a few storms is worth the prize of coming out on the other side to a paradise like place.
I am living life and with that there are knowns and unknowns. My problem is that I have a trusting heart and it gets easily trampled at times. I know that writing about it helps heal my heart. So, for those of you who read my posts and can relate, thanks for reading and for the support. For those of you who find joy in my sorrow, do not fear, someday you will be there as well. Hopefully my words will be of some comfort in the fact that we are all human and sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry.  So if you think the course you have set for yourself is all predetermined and your plan can't fail, think again. He has a plot for you, a course he wants you to be on. Open your heart, listen and learn. It is better to row where he wants rather than bail out the water where you shouldn't be. Set sail and paddle with purpose.

My rusty old bike

Like most things in my life, I tend to stick with the things that are a good fit. But at some point you need to give up those things that you are used to. Sometimes they are taken away from you. At that point you need to move on and get a new one. This one has seen better days. I wish somedays that someone would steal it. I believe they would bring it back. hahahaha. My point is that as we go through life and relationships we find the bumps in the road, that the chain falls off occasionally, and it gets rusty and the seat starts to hurt. But that is the cycle of life. What if we only rode the nice, new bike? The first time you have a flat you toss it away? No, you fix the flat and keep on riding. I suppose in life some people don't value a loving relationship. They treat you like the rusty bike you see before you. You will find that if you give it a whirl, it rides quite nicely. This go around I am giving myself some time. Some time to breathe, to be free, to give back to myself instead of someone else. No more websites, dating services, or tips. We all have baggage and a past, but if that's all we ever dwell on the load will be too heavy and we can't move forward. Rejection is a tough pill to swallow. But if given time and enough water any pill can be dissolved.

When the time is right my father will let me know.

Until then I will ride my rusty 2 wheels down the sand, no bells, whistles, horns or shiny lights. I will tell you this much, it gets me where I want to go.

"The Blues" by John Binkley

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.


Lord Alfred Tennyson 1850.


I'm feeling ya brother. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even though we don't really know why.I give my all to everything I do, including relationships. Sometimes it's not the people that have the issues, it's the circumstances. After a 3 year relationship that ended so abruptly, I find myself picking up the pieces and moving forward. No pity party, no whining, just moving forward. I have a lot to offer and a lot to do in this wild world in which we all live. I did find myself on the usual roller coaster of emotions, hurt, really hurt, pissed, upset, being ok with it, outraged, befuddled, hurt, broken hearted, relaxed, and finally ok with it again. Hell, I have no choice now do I?  Time does heal a broken heart, so I cut myself some slack and give myself some time. Some me time, some time to regroup and create. Time to play some blues, to paint some images, to hang out with some buddies. Remember no one ever knows what another human being is going through unless they ask and have been there as well. Be kind to others who have been in this situation. The heart is not something to play with lightly. 


Life lessons are sometimes hard ones to learn. But sometimes you have to get over the rocks to get to the beach. 

Check the box

        I started thinking today as I read some of my unpublished comments. I had to laugh actually at one in particular. You see, I never started this blog so people could feel sorry for me or to laugh at me or even like me. I started this blog years ago because I wanted to let other people know that it's really ok to just be yourself. You can be honest with yourself and with others. At first no one even knew of my blog. and that was ok. Sometimes I feel like I have so many people around me but I am still alone. I figured if I could help one person out and let them know that it's ok to feel that way then this blog did what it was intended to do. If only you could read some of my unpublished stuff you would sit back and say wow, this guy is deep and I didn't know he had those types of daily problems... Just like you. I'm human people, just like you. I pee, I get sick, I'm happy, I laugh, I cry, I hurt.  You see I like to help others. I've read it can be one of my downfalls. Helping others before I help myself. That's just who I am.  I figured if I could get the balls to write my feelings down and to express my true thoughts, why wouldn't I? So I did.
       So Mr Critic or Mrs. Critic, before you throw the mighty pen at me, make sure your own house is not made of wet paper. I've realized that no matter what you do in your life, what ever the circumstance, that at the end of the day you need to check the "Happy" box. Be happy with yourself people! Check your own Happy box.

 Feel free to check mine if you'd like.

I really wonder at times

I really wonder sometimes where it is I went wrong. I haven't been too lucky at love but damn sure give it the best I can. I know I'm capable, I just haven't been able to keep the plane off the ground for any extended period of time. I was going to continue on with my people who inspire me series but haven't been in the mood to do it lately. One of the people who I thought inspired me actually let me down in a bad way. I am learning another life lesson. The other person who I will be writing about (and inspires me) needs to know I didn't mean to hurt them. And once forgiven maybe they will allow me to write about them. Time will tell.
       The next chapter of my book is being written for me, but I've learned to bite my lip, wipe the silent tears and move forward. The Lord knows my heart and for that I feel comforted. I know he is in control.

Lord, forgive me for my actions and help me move forward. Only like you can, Amen.

Diaries of a lost soul

           February 10th, 2012. On this day a year ago my mother passed away. I was not by her side. That hurts. I was in denial that she was really not doing well. I thought it's mom, she will be ok. I was wrong. As I walked to the beach this morning I said my prayers and thought about this life for a few moments. My life hasn't been horribly bad, nor has it been intensely exciting. Actually it's been a roller coaster. It has been a journey with many tales and many wrong turns. The good thing is that I find a way to get back on track.      
          As I put my feet in the water I felt energized as I normally do. There truly is something spiritual about healing waters. My mom was always there for me during my rough times and during the good times. She of course was there when I was born, yet I wasn't there when she passed. No, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I was really angry because I felt she didn't want to try. She was heart broken over the death of my sister a mere month earlier and she didn't fully recover from her own procedure I believe. I think about her all the time and she is here with me, in my time of need.
         I may not know at times where I will land but I do know God helps me and guides me to do the right thing. I am starting over once again in my life, by myself. I'm glad I have my children. I know they love me unconditionally. My whole life I've been searching for that one who will love me for just me. I thought I found her a couple of times but I must have been mistaken. Again with those wrong turns. I believe it is time to stop searching and get back into a relationship with our maker. I've helped a lot of other people in my life, yet I fail to help myself. What good am I if I don't take care of myself first?
         2012 is the year of the dragon, my year. It has just begun and hasn't been promising so far, but it is coming. I just need to be patient. In closing, I would like to say that I am truly a man of God who is trying to do the right things in life. When I am ready again, I will know it. Until then, my focus is on picking myself back off the ground, dusting myself off and moving on down the road. I just need to keep my Gps in hand this time.
     

Accomplishments

          Sometimes I find myself in a pickle. I'm always over analyzing things and second guessing myself. I found a niche' in digital art. I forgot my glasses and was having a hard time seeing the image I was trying to sketch out\paint. I was seeing shapes. That's all art is after all. SHAPES... Bingo. So, I started blocking in my sketch and started blending in my paint. I spent a whole week on trying to get a canvas put together and completed. I was frustrated, pissed off and upset to say the least. Once I let go and tried something different, it just clicked. You just have to let it go. I've been so reserved about certain things my whole life. It has held me back in some aspects, and helped in others. So from this point forward I am no longer looking back. I used to dwell on it all the time. It was consuming my being. I let it go.
            I am sure what my future has in store, but also know that change is a coming, again. I am only a man and can only put up with so much in my life. I feel that I have accomplished a lot so far and have ideas on what I want to do in the future. Someday the people in my life that mean the most will come back full circle. I look forward to that. I did lose a few friends along the way. That saddens my soul, but maybe time will mend broken hearts and hurt feelings. I will have to wait and see. jj

Flowers in the Field

Dear Mom,
      I was really thinking about you today, especially tonight. I really need to talk with you, you always know how to calm me down. I took this picture at the Jacksonville Arboretum and instantly went back to the farm and remembered how you used to talk with me when I was having problems or when things weren't quite going so well. You told me I was special, that I have a lot to offer the world and that I'm going to be someone someday. You always made me feel better. I will never forget that, ever. I was really wanting to pick up the phone tonight and just talk. I needed to hear your voice and see your face but know I will have to wait a little longer before that happens.
        I have a lot of decisions to make and no matter the outcome, some things just have to be done. I know you have my back and you know my heart. I never do things just to do them. I never told you nearly enough "thank you" for all that you taught me and all the advice you gave me. You cared about me and loved me unconditionally. I remember us being goofy and always playing music, dancing, singing and laughing. Those were the days.
       Please help guide me in the direction I need to go. My path through the fields of flowers will eventually take me home, but at times I feel my allergies won't allow me to get close to the field. Give me strength and wisdom to make the right decision and clear the path. I hope we have a class reunion this summer. I need to go back to the farm and spend some time walking around the place. I'm writing a book on my childhood upbringing on that farm with a fantasy twist around all of the places I used visit or frequent often.
       So now you know all of the things that I used to do, nothing to hide. You know I wasn't that bad and you probably worried more than you needed to. You were a great mother, caregiver and human being. I know you wanted me to play our song at your wake, but it wasn't to be. I will play it for you in person some day. I love you and miss you. It will be a year on the 10th of Feb. It's hard to believe you are gone. Just know that you are not forgotten though.